Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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