i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
