No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.