I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
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I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
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What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
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