we have pet lesbian snakes
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think I won the penis lottery.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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