sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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