my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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