I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
