last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
