Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
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The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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