Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!