tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.