i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
