so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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