I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
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I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
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I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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