My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We're too hungover to prance.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.