he shaved USA in his pubs
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
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You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
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There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.