When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
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i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
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I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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