You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize