It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize