Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
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he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.