I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.