He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
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Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
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Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way