There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
