I'm going to rape someone's good day.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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