I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
