Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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