Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml