I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?