This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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