I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.