Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!