she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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