Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
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I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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