i permit you to call me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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