Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up