Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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