I think my fart just growled at me.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
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I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
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I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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