I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I need to sanitize my soul.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year