I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
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I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back