listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
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TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.