Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I told you penises don't tan
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?