I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...