I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This Girl Makes Latte Art Thatâ€™s Too Cute to Drink
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.