Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!