i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
