Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Drunk is not a location!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
