Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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