I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
