why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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