but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
