Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
