Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
