Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
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Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
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"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy