I'm gonna have a badass scar
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
