There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
