She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just invented taco cereal.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
