come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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