6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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