just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
